In honor of Ya-Ya's upcoming wedding this Saturday, I'm going back to some posts I wrote immediately after our wedding: this week, I'll be posting the things that strike me as most important lessons learned. Think of this as a summing up of what we've been doing over here...after Ya-Ya's wedding, this blog will close. You can keep up with me on Good Mouse, Bad Mouse, and I'd be delighted if you do...but I will be all finished with thinking about weddings for awhile, and devoted instead to writing about love, delight, style, and funny stuff. (For instance, I just saw a sign in a restaurant that said "Bar 6 Employees Must Wash All Their Hands." ALL OF EM! Ha.) Anyway. Advice for Ya-Ya and other brides to be, then a brief glimmering view of the Ya-Ya wedding as Souris Mariage's grand finale. Here we go:10.22.2010
This came up in the comments this week, and I thought it deserved some attention: can we talk about things that are NOT THE BRIDE'S JOB? Even if they don't get done? Here are some things people expected me to do, which I responded to by (politely) not doing:
1. Finding a dog-sitter. I feel like it is already above and beyond the call of duty to provide babysitters, which we did. And then someone asked, on the website, if I had sitters for her three large dogs. I responded by ignoring the request and then, when it came up, I said "Oh, HAHAHA, I just thought that was a joke!" Because it should have been. It is not the bride's job to provide concierge services, and this person figured her own arrangements out. You know, just like she would if she were on any other trip.
2. Being cruise director. I mean, yes, you're the hostess, and yes, you have an obligation to hang out and talk with people as much as possible. This includes introducing people with mutual interests. It does not involve coddling guests for the whole evening. They can handle themselves. You know, just like they would at any other event.
3. Being a GPS. We all do our part in making sure people have the means to get around town okay (with handy maps in their out-of-town bags, for instance). But it is NOT your job to be on the phone with someone and guide him around the city you don't know all that well yourself while someone else is yelling in the background in a frustrated voice and you know you need to be alphabetizing the escort cards. These are grown ups, and they have maps, cell phones, and the ability to stop and ask for directions. Plus, they had the number of He-Mouse's mother, who DOES know Tucson. Time to play the bride card and let them take care of themselves.
4. Making travel arrangements. I mean, yes, you should probably figure out a hotel room block, a rental car block,* and if someone is really broke, find them a couch to sleep on. But it's not your job to arrange rides from the airport, tell people they really should get rental cars, book flights, solve problems like lost luggage (unless it's a bridesmaid's dress or something like that which will effect the wedding), or arrange rides from the airport.
5. Parenting. I parent a lot, micies. I'm the sort of person who is frequently in charge of mending fences, patching up squabbles, being an ambassador between two sides of a spat, etc. But on my wedding day, I refused to do it. I made a little bubble in which to get ready (not that this was a cakewalk, as I will talk about next week). I did not take phone calls. I did not let people come and see me. I drew a line in the sand, and only the bridesmaids, Mama Mouse, and the photographers were allowed to cross it. And I was a basket case, anyway. Imagine trying to do all that AND mend a damn fence. For just this one day--if not more--it's not your job.
Now, despite the fact that none of this is your job, you will still be asked to do these things and similar not-your-job things--CONSTANTLY--the week of your wedding. But it's hard to say no, because the people asking are your loved ones, and they've come a long way, and you really want them to be happy. So here's how to say no, preserving your own sanity but staying nice:
• Evaluate the situation. If it's really something only you can fix, add it to your to-do list. This covers lost bridesmaid's dress, problem with venue, broken limbs within the wedding party, entire stack of programs getting lost, and similar. It does NOT cover the stuff above.
• If it isn't something that only you can fix:
1) Laugh it off ("Oh, you really wanted me to pick out and purchase a suit for you? I thought you were joking, hahahaha.")
2) Suggest a solution that doesn't involve you ("You're stuck at the airport? There's a rental car counter, it's probably cheaper than a taxi!")
3) Delegate ("You're lost? Hang tight. I'll have He-Mouse's mom call you back and get you oriented.")
• Go through the to-do list and delegate what you can. The people you love are surprisingly resourceful if you say "I really need your help." If one can't help, go to the next person. Don't be afraid to articulate what you want and need (short of losing your temper, obviously)--martyr is a really bad look on a bride.
• On your wedding day, have someone else take your phone, and the groom's too. They can answer, put out the smaller fires, deal with questions, and basically screen for you. Mama Mouse had mine, and the best man had He-Mouse's. It's like having an executive assistant for the day: only the actual crises need your attention, so filter information like crazy.
• Similarly, if you have the option, get ready somewhere where you can't see crises unfolding in the venue set-up. Yeah, this might mean they mess up a few things. But the vast majority of problems do get resolved by event staff and coordinators, and they can call your Mama Mouse/best man if they reaaaally need you. Otherwise, you'll have no time to get ready.
How about you? What have you said no to, brides and brides-to-be?
* Although in our case, the rental car block rate was more expensive than deals they could find online.